It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything. It hasn’t been for lack of desire, or lack of material, cause lord knows there has been plenty to post about. There has been a part of me that has stopped caring, and another part of me that has cared too much. Sometime’s I find it incredibly hard to balance the thoughts in my head with the actions happening in my life. Sometimes it’s all too much and I want to scream and sometimes I just want to shut off my brain and stare at a blinking cursor on a screen until something exciting happens.
It’s so hard waiting for something exciting to happen. I’m at the age now where I can look back on my early 20’s and long for the adventure that awaited. Now I’m in my 30’s and that adventure? Well, it’s still possible to have, perhaps, but the choices that I made leading me to this point have kind of put a damper on that. Did I need the new car three years ago that I still have a couple years of payments on? No. Did I really need all of those purses that are sitting in bins in the closet in my bedroom? No. Did I need all of the clothes that are sitting in bins, or on hangers taking up valuable closet space, that I never wear? Again, no. I do need the stacks of books waiting to be moved onto my bookshelves that I cleared off and moved to different spots in my house. I absolutely need my library now that I have it. I need my smartphone and my data plan, because how else am I going to be connected to the world when I’m out in it? Ugh, it’s all so ridiculous. The things I spend money on – the things society, in general, spends money on.
I watched one documentary on minimalism and suddenly I’m questioning my entire existence. I decluttered some closets, and I have 6 bags of clothes ready to either re-sell or donate (I haven’t decided yet), and that’s on top of the clothes with stains or tears I tossed, the magazines that have been building up that I never have time to read (WHY DON’T I HAVE TIME TO READ A FUCKING MAGAZINE? WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH MY LIFE?!), and the other crap that just accumulates when you realize you’ve lived in the same place for 6.5 years now, and you used to move like a local nomad. Before I bought my house (which is another thing to tie me down), I lived in 5 different apartments in 6 years. At the time, I was shocked when I renewed a least on the last apartment I lived in before I became a homeowner. Ya know what changed in my life? He did. He came around and he liked the apartment, and he would spend the night, and he would bring things over, and it almost became our place for a little while. Then he took up too much space in my one bedroom, and forget about the cost of a two bedroom, so I bought a house. I got such a great deal on a fantastic home in a good area, that it only cost me $100 more a month than my rental. Even though taxes have gone up, and insurance has jumped a bit, I’m still paying far, far less than any of my friends renting two bedroom apartments.
It’s just another payment.
I really need to streamline even more than I have already. I need to pay off my car and my credit card. I want to buy a van. I want to go on little van travel adventures and throw an air mattress in the back and camp and drive and camp and drive.
I just finished writing a fiction book, that started as a real life commentary on my real-life non-relationship relationship with my ex. In it, fictional me (the girl with the cajones) travels across the country in her Jeep (I wish!) and settles down with a new life in California. It’s a fun story to tell, but not at all something I could ever do. I would never want to leave everything behind and just go. But I wouldn’t mind taking brief sabbaticals from the life I have here, in the back of an old conversion van with a mattress and some beaded curtains.
So bringing us around to the point of this blog, I found a couple of relatively inexpensive old vans that would suit this purpose. I screen grabbed and texted them to him while he was having a shit say at work.
“I’m definitely not in a position to make more big purchases nor help insure them.”
Uh, okay. Way to pop my fun bubble. It’s not like I said NOW, or IMMEDIATELY, or anything. I just shared a small bit of my vision with him, and he took his needle to my bubble. I told him it wasn’t like I wanted to do it right this minute. I just tried to breathe some life into some meh days. I said someday. And he said “someday, yes” as if that’s supposed to give my bubble some air.
I asked him:
“Do you even remember how to dream anymore?”
I am so tired of him always being a downer. Letting his life, or money, or the lack of money or whatever else is in his head, hold him back. He’s a musician – he should be all about overextending himself and having some fucking adventures. He doesn’t see the possibilities anymore. I’m really not sure what his problem is, but it’s so obvious he has at least one.
We still aren’t engaged & he’s had the ring for almost two years.
Maybe I’m just the problem. Maybe he doesn’t want to do these things with me.
I can hear his response to that “don’t be crazy” or “babe, that’s ridiculous.”
But come ON. What am I supposed to think? I’m so tired of going round and round in my own head, because my issues or problems are always dismissed. Always. About everything. I’m always wrong, I’ve misinterpreted, I’ve gotten my signals mixed.
I’m trying to declutter my physical life and I would REALLY love to declutter my mental life too, but he’s not helping much with that.
I’m ready to just LIVE my LIFE and not have to imagine what it would be like if only.
Ugh, if only.